Sarah C. Bayrd - Sept. 22nd, 1947

It used to be that there were only days I looked forward to....vacations/trips, holidays, weekends, etc. Now, with one phone call that took place on November 2nd, there are 3 days that I dread as they approach - Mother's Day, Mom's Birthday and Mom's Death.  I'm sure some people would tell me not to give them that power, but I haven't learned that skill yet.  These days hurt and, for now, I think it is just best to let them do their worst, survive them and move on.  Today is one of those days, her birthday.

I am in Bologna, Italy today - having just left Venice where I was for 4 nights and Florence before that.  And yes, as I write this, there is a plate of Bolognese in front of me ;))  For 9 Euro, I get Salad, Pasta, Wine and Coffee.  Hopefully, being in a public place will help staunch some of the tears.  Bologna is a "perching place" before I head up to the Italian Lakes and over into Lombardy and the Piedmont region - a highlight of the Italy part of the trip.  I am picking up a car tomorrow to drive these parts of Italy.  Not originally planned, but I loved driving through France so much, that I decided to attempt to duplicate the experience.

It is the first birthday since the accident - we are almost finished with the year of "Firsts", thank god.  First Thanksgiving, First Christmas, First Birthday (mine), First Birthday (hers).  Bill will experience his First Birthday Without in another 6 days - and I know how badly it stings.  Then, it will be the First Anniversary - November 2nd.  I was originally going to be over here in Europe on that day, but I am returning home early to attend my cousin, Jessie's, wedding at the Goat Farm.  It will be good not to be alone on that day.

So - in an attempt to think good thoughts today - and, to just go ahead and force the issue of tears (there is no getting around them, best to just let them flow), here is a list of things I miss and loved about my Mom....

1. Calling her "Mim".  This was the name that she wanted to be her "Grandmother" name.  Her parents were MawMaw and PawPaw.  She wanted to be "Mim".  Since no grandchildren were on the horizon, I took to calling her that years ago.  And would trill it when I called her..."MiiiiiiiiiM"
2. Receiving mail from her at least once, sometimes twice a week.  Nobody was a better corresponder/letter writer than my Mim.  She used to get "irritated" when I didn't mention receiving a letter....but I got them so often that they were just part of my landscape.  I am grateful that I got morbid a couple years ago and started saving them.  She always tucked coupons (that I rarely used....I don't buy Ranch Salad Dressing), newspaper articles, wine reviews, pictures of her from her trips and letters from other family members to keep me in the loop - into them.  Not to mention the plethora of post-cards over the years.
3. Never having to think about Triple AAA - she always kept me and my brother current.
4. Knowing that if I called, she would always answer the phone if she could...no matter where she was or who she was with.  I only wish my brother and I had done the same.  As the line in the U2 song goes...."And it's you when I look in the mirror and it's you when I don't pick up the phone"
5. Book recommendations - the Pool Side Reading list is gone.
6. Being able to call whenever I needed to ask about a piece of history.  She always had the answer.  Always.
7. Going through magazines at home and finding them underlined in red ink - she was always finding tidbits to share in class.  And it was ALWAYS in RED ink.
8. Having my clothes folded so perfectly and as only she could do.  I teased her that she loved doing laundry...and she did.  Who else irons their pillow cases and their T-shirtsd?  My laundry will never smell the same ever again, nor will I find it stacked back on my bed and dresser.  T-shirts in one pile, pants hung on a hanger with a razor crease, panties and bras folded in a separate pile.
9. Returning home once leaving for college and finding a pile of stuff on my bed that she thought I would like - magazines, books, the freebies from Clinique and Estee Lauder, gifts from her recent trips....
10. Chicken Roll-ups, Chess Cake Squares, Broccoli Salad, Chili (with no beans or onions....I used to squawk that it couldn't be called Chili then), her Cheesecake, her Lemon Meringue Pie (my birthday pie every year) - UGHHHH....here come the tears....and in a restaurant...., Coffee Cake at Christmas, Hash Brown Casserole, Grean Bean Casserole (not a creamy one...but vinegar based), Her mounds of recipe clippings....that she never made, Broccoli Cheese Soup, Apple Juice Turkey Breast, Mixed Nuts at Christmas, Buttermilk Fudge, Butter-Nut O's (cheerios warmed up in the microwave with butter), Spiced Tea, Eggnog, Mashed Potatoes (with NO lumpps)....and always with a recipe close at hand - no matter how many times she had made them.
11. Our Christmas Tree - she loved it so much.  Full of ornaments collected over a lifetime of travel, friends and experiences.  Our stockings - that my Grandmother knitted  - and that my mother filled with individually wrapped gum, razors, shaving gel, toothpaste, deodorant, candy, gift cards.....and her International Santas on the mantle.  Christmas will never be the same.  My brother and I were truly spoiled when it came to this holiday.
12. She was the BEST gift receiver.  It didn't matter what it was - how hideous it might be - you would never know it by how she ooohed and ahhhhhed over it.  And she loved to comment on "how beautifully wrapped" everything was.  She always saved the wrapping paper if she could, especially if it was "pretty".
13.Her love of Pink Wine
14. Her love of good smelling coffee.  She always blamed me and my brother for this addiction.  We bought her first bag of "good smelling" coffee from The Coffee Beanery in Cool Springs Mall back in either the late 80's or early 90's (recently out of business...sigh) many years ago, and the addiction took.  
15.She never missed an appointment or canceled on a friend.  She believe that if you had said, "Yes", then it was iron-clad.
16. The terms, "Such as it is", "Fool", "Won't be seeing me", "My Friend"....and all the others.....
17. Her smell.  It used to be Shalimar by Guerlain that she wore....she would always sweep in to wake me up for Middle School on a cloud of Shalimar.  When she switched to Design by Paul Mitchell, I hated it.  And I hated being woken up by that cloud in High School.  She loved it, though, and wore it for over 20 years.  Now, I crave that smell.
18. Pristinely clean dishes - I also have the habit of washing the dishes before they go into the dishwasher.  It was the only way for the dishes to be done.  "They just aren't clean" if you don't do it that way.  We have had the same set of silverware and tupperware for over 30 years....and it is still pristine.
19. The sound of her shuffle down the hall in the mornings.
20. Calling the dog, "The Baby".
21. Remembering when she finally got her ears pierced at the age of 40+ and discovering the "World of Earrings".
22. Her magnet collection
23. The fact that she still wore a camisole and slip....always.  Her "Robe and Gown"...and how each had to be just so.
24. The smell of Estee Lauder's Dusting Powder...she used it every day.
25. The fact that she called the "Shower" the "Bath".  "I need to go have  my bath".  She didn't "take a shower", she "had a bath".
26. Her love of National Parks and Art Museums - thankfully, this got passed along to me.  The palpable and tangible joy she felt when seeing Bryce Canyon or looking at a Monet.
27. She did without so my brother and I could have the "Brentwood" lifestyle....she always found a way for me to have Guess Jeans, Timberland boots, an LL Bean backpack, trips to Europe and Cruises....and the greatest sacrifice....driving the oldest, ugliest, most un-safe car so I could have the family car and wouldn't be embarrassed at Brentwood High School, surrounded by those who had more.
28. Providing me and my brother with a charmed childhood filled with camps, sports, Wildwood, family outings, restaurants, obscene Christmases, trips to Florida, clubs, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, gymnastics....all things that cost money.
29. The plastic visor she always had on during our summer Florida trips.
30. Our endless supply of bags that she used to haul around the never-ending pile of papers to grade...in church, during softball games...anywhere.  The papers got graded.
31. How she answered the phone...."Hello?....Yes?....HI!!!!!!!!!"
32. How I teased her about "calling Van" to come hang pictures at the house.
33. The way she always wanted a "kiss goodnight" and would lay in her bed, holding her arms out to me as I stood in the hallway and smirked at her.
34. The way she closed her eyes, tilted her head back and gave herself up to music she loved.....Andrea Bocelli, Jim Brickman, Celtic Women, Enya...and all the other post-menopausal music I teased her about.
35. I will forever be grateful for the love of reading she gave me.  My earliest memories are of "having a story read" to me.  No gift has been greater....other than having her for a teacher.
36. Her meticulous record keeping.  Her calendars with the "X's" on them....she always marked off the day.
37. Her never-ending T-shirt collection....that she always dressed up with a skirt....and a camisole, of course.
38. Watching her put her albums together.  She never got into the "scrapbooking", she had her own method.  Thankfully, we have albums for days to re-visit the places she saw.
39. Her never-ending love of History.  There was always someplace else to go and visit.
40. Her "gossip" sessions with her friends....she was always on the phone with them giggling like a girl.  HOWEVER, my mother NEVER gossiped.  She never had a bad word to say about any of them.  They bitched and moaned to her about each other, but she never indulged and always had something good to say.  If only I was this way....it was one of her absolute best qualities and one I admired.
41. She never took a sick day.  No matter how sick she was - and bronchitis afflicted her a lot - she never stayed home.
42. She loved the smell of Lavender (for lotion and soap), Vanilla, Butterscotch, Cookies, Hazelnut Candles etc. (for the house).  There was always a candle burning...at the house and in her room at school despite the fire hazard posed.
43. The image of her - in her robe - sitting in HER chair, next to the fireplace,with the dog (either Beau or Miss Hattie) - i.e. The Baby -  in her lap, going through a magazine.
44. All the magazines she had constantly throughout the house.  And consequently, a never ending supply of articles to tear out and send me.
45. Going to Cheekwood as a kid to see the Christmas Trees.
46. Rarely paying  for movies at the Movie Theater b/c inevitably, Mom knew "a kid" there that she exploited to get us in.
47. Her being the un-official Mayor of Franklin and Brentwood - it always amazed me that no matter where we went, she would see someone she knew - whether it was a "kid" or a parent.  This happened in Europe, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. - it literally happened EVERYWHERE.  
48. She called me on my birthday every year at the exact minute I was born and sang, "Happy Birthday to you, You live in a zoo, You look like a monkey, And you act like one too"
49. She sent me and my brother cards for every holiday and occasion - always with a check in it for $10-$25...and the card always said, "Have a treat on me."
50. Our cold, cold house....she couldn't stand to be hot.
51. Once she needed reading glasses, seeing her with both sunglasses and reading glasses perched on her nose.
52. Knowing she was always on my side.  Always there to listen.  Always encouraging. Always interested in the most minute detail of my life.
53. The way she warped her lipsticks into the same stalactite shape - and they were always Estee Lauder.
54. The way she cherished everything family oriented - pictures, antiques, correspondence....She was the family historian.
55. Her praise for my cooking.  She could never believe that the child who wanted no part of the kitchen growing up, now loves nothing more than to cook.
56. How stressed out she used to get when entertaining.  Everything was always beautifully appointed, but it made her so nervous to get ready to have people over.
57. The sight of her polishing the silver and washing the crystal.
58. Her pride in our house and how much she loved it.  It was and is a "Home" in the truest sense.
59. The fact that she and I are both "ugly cryers"  Once we cry, we are done for.  Red eyes, red nose, blotchy skin...a curse.  Today, I am done.
60. Her perfectly arched eyebrows that she never had to pluck or do anything to.  They were just perfect.
61. Her laugh, her smile....and her hands.  Her soft hands.

I know there are more things, more memories, more losses...there will always be more.  But this is all I can manage today.  Some of her friends have written to me about dreams they had of her.  I have only had one....and it was fairly recent.  I don't remember what it was about, I just remember waking up with my stomach clenched and realizing that I had "seen" her and finally dreamed about her.  Nothing is more painful than realizing all over again that I will never see her again.  I have also been told that perhaps my lack of dreams is due to the fact that the subconscious seeks to protect the conscious mind from things that are too painful for it to bear.  I don't know.  But my hair is starting to show signs of gray - I figured it would and actually thought I might wake up on the morning of Nov. 3rd with totally white hair.

It has almost been a year since the accident.  We still don't really know what happened.  We still have no accident report from Greece.  What I do know is I wish more than anything that my life did not have such a definitive mark of sadness upon it.  

So, Happy Birthday, Mim....you would be 64 today.  I love you.