Fun Facts and Funnies about Scotland...

Our Scottish education began immediately  upon sitting down in the bus and pulling away from The Royal Mile - this long street in Scotland with lots of shops, cafes, churches, etc.....all leading up to the massive castle that dominates the skyline (my hostel was immediately at the foot of it)...Our guide for the next 3 days was a lovely man "called" Eric.  This was the first of several lovely Scotsmen I met during my time in Scotland.  I think the Scots may have the market cornered on handsome, older men with sexy brogues....James Bond, anyone?!

1.  Old Scotland - like most cities in that day - was a rank and nasty smelling place due to no indoor plumbing.  It appears that 10pm (2200h) was the magic hour b/c at this time, when the bells pealed, everybody emptied their business into the streets....from high above to down below.  In other words, it rained shit in Scotland every night at 10pm.  Not the ideal time to take a moonlit stroll!

2. We went by a statue of William Pitt the Younger.  Mr Pitt the Younger became the youngest Prime Minister in the history of Britain at the ripe old age of 23....please reflect for a moment and consider whether you could have led an entire nation/empire at that age...I certainly would not have been qualified!!  Well, Mr. Pitt the Younger became totally unpopular overnight by introducing the horror of horrors.....The Income Tax!!  He also levied another deeply unpopular tax called The Window Tax - and this was our "fun fact/funny"...Mr. Pitt the Younger believed that if you had windows, then you could afford to be taxed on them.  To get around this, the Scots "blacked out" their windows to avoid paying this tax.  You can drive around Edinburgh and still see these strange windows called "Pitt's Portraits"....the Scots considered it "Daylight Robbery".  They also didn't consider this act tax evasion; rather, tax efficiency!

3. Edinburgh is only home to 450K people but this number swells into the millions during the month of August when they host their world famous "Arts Festival" - the largest of its kind in the world.  It is said this festival gives a voice to "The Fringe" movement.  Part of me wishes I could see it and part of me is glad I won't be subjected to the hordes of people.

4. Bath, Dublin and the new section of Edinburgh all resemble each other since they were built and re-built in the same style - the Georgian style.  Remember those curved buildings I wrote about in Bah-th?  Well, Edinburgh has its own set. 

5. We drove past Stewart's Melville - a supposed source of inspiration for J.K. Rowling in creating Hogwart's.  Mrs. Rowling used to not be able to pay her bills and was just another single, struggling mother.  She wrote the first couple of Harry Potter's in cafe's and gardens around Edinburgh - there are whole tours devoted to this.  Considering I've never read any of the books and only seen the first movie, I decided to skip this particular tour.  Mrs. Rowling is now the richest woman in Britain with more liquid assets than the Queen.

6. Scots are obsessed with the weather - just like the English.  They have little names to describe the differing types....
     a. Dreich (dree-k) - a light rain
     b. Dour (dooo-er) - gray and sullen (I like how the name is indicative of its meaning)
     c. Braw - a beautiful day with the sun shining

I saw all 3 types of weather while I was there.

7. We stopped in a little town called Pitlochery on the River Tay.  This is where the largest salmon in Scottish history was caught - 64lbs.  AND - it was caught by a woman...Miss Georgina Valentine back in 1929.  It took her an hour and a half to bring the big sucker in!!

8. Pacific Salmon and Atlantic Salmon are very different.  Pacific Salmon die after they make that long trip up the river to spawn.  Atlantic Salmon do not.  They can make the journey several times which results in a larger, meaty salmon.  Another cool thing about the Pacific Salmon (or kinda gross considering how you look at it..) - you can see the Salmon sometimes jumping out of the river.  This is NOT the result of them jumping for food as some other fish do.  In fact, the Salmon have Sea Lice when they enter the rivers and like most things with  lice, they want to get rid of them.  Their jumping is a result of having been bitten by the lice and their attempt to shake them off.

9. The Highland Charge - so cool!!  The Highlanders were considered to have the best Infantry in the world at one point.  The Highland Charge always comes from above and 1 man can take out 3 of the enemy using his "special" Scots weapons....
    1. You knock a guy in the head with your shield
    2. Then, you shank another in the groin with your "wee" sword/dagger - The Dirkh
    3. Finally, you slash downwards on someone else with your "big" sword - The Claymore (yes, there is mine/bomb by this name) - AND, this was the name of the pub I frequented in Grantown-on-Spey.

Scotsmen carried a dagger in their socks as well called the Sgean Dhu (Shane Du), but this guy was almost never used as a weapon.  Instead, it was a tool for skinning an animal, preparing dinner or breaking bones to get at the marrow.

10. We drove past Culloden - where a battle had taken place between the Jacobites and the English in 1745.  The Jacobites were re-grouping at this castle ruin we went by - waiting on Bonnie Prince Charlie to join them and rally the troops.  BPC sent a note to these weary, battle sore guys saying, "Sorry guys, not coming back up there....it's every man for himself."  Probably NOT the note you want to get from your illustrious leader who you have given up everything for, to try and put him on the throne.  Ironically, BCP was Italian, not Scottish and that is where he returned to rather than making the last push for London.  He was given some bad Intel from a spy who was actually a double agent saying that London was heavily fortified and could not be easily taken. This was a lie - London was actually totally un-defended with her fighters off in France and would have fallen had the guys soldiered on.  One of those "wee" turning points that could have happened in history.

11.  The definition of a Hamlet - 1/2 a dozen houses.

12. The Spey River - the longest and fastest river in the UK.

13. Grantown-on-Spey - this is just a fancy way of saying the name of the town and its location....Grantown was a model village set up to try to get the Highlanders under control.  It was modeled after the re-settlement of the Native Americans in the US.  The government and its ministers wanted the Highlanders to have a more stable lifestyle 300 to 400 years ago, so they built this little "gem".  No word on whether or not it worked.  I find it hard to believe it did based on its model....

14. It is illegal to distill at home in the UK...reason being...its quite dangerous.

15. Snows in the Highlands come along with the East wind - which is the coldest wind in the world.  It blows out of Russia and across Europe never really traveling across any water to warm it up at all.  Not a wind I want to meet any time soon.

16. True Scotch Whisky MUST contain the following (I could have put this in Post numero uno...oh well...)
     1. It must contain at least 40% alcohol
     2. It must originate in Scotland
     3. It must be aged for a minimum of 3 years

Only then can it be called Scotch Whisky.

17. The year does not determine the quality of the whisky.

18. Aberdeen Angus cows are considered some of the best meat in the world - I can attest to this...my one steak and burger were DELICIOUS!  The A.A. is actually a cross between the two - The Aberdeen and The Angus - but is now considered a legitimate breed on its own.

19. The Right to Roam (this was SOOOOO cool!!) - The Scots believe and have put into Law the concept that the land truly belongs to everybody - even private property (kind of).  Wait for this one......They believe that as long as you "behave in a responsible way", no one can stop you from accessing the land.  This is a Common Law development - meaning, it was never really written down; rather, it was common sense.  Interestingly, the Scots also don't have murder and theft laws b/c it should be - again - Common Sense - not to do any of these things.  Roaming is native to the Scottish nature.  Unfortunately, b/c this is the modern age filled with idiots, the Scots were forced to put something down on paper in 2003 and it had a lot to do with Her Majesty (not the Queen) - but Madonna.  When she got married to Guy Ritchie back in 2003, she wanted to rope off thousands of acres of land to keep the people and the paparazzi out.  It went all the way to the Scottish High Court who eventually ruled that the exceptions to the "Roaming" rule would be....1. Private Gardens and 2. Military Access Points.  Fair enough, right?  But "Her Majesty Madonna" could not rope off nearly as much land as she wanted b/c nobody in their right mind would actually consider that a "garden".  SO - you can access all the land in Scotland as long as you are in a non-mechanized vehicle, behaving in a responsible manner and acting according to the concept of being a "true traveler" (this is to prevent the gypsies from setting up camp everywhere and mucking things up).

20.  There are 4 elements to truly tasting Whisky (again, should have been included in earlier posts....)
    1. Visualization - look at the color
    2. Nosing - like wine, inhale deeply b/c your nose will pick up on notes your tongue won't be able to.
    3. Tasting - self-explanatory
    4. Aftertaste - savor the sip, more flavors reveal themselves after you swallow.

21.  Having a Cathedral with a Bishop in Residence determined whether a city could be called a "City".

22. Ways to spot a distillery from the distance.....1. Look for a pagoda top and 2. Look for rising steam.

23. Sheep are marked in 2 ways - on the shoulder to determine who they belong to and on the butt - to know if they have "Had a Party" - i.e. Dating Direct Scotland.  In order to know whether a Ewe (pronounced Yow) has "had a party" with a Tut (the male).  The owners will tie a sponge dipped in orange paint to the Tut's business.  When he and the Yow "have a party", she is marked - but in a good way.  The farmer can then see which of his Yow's were down with the Tuts and which ones were acting coy and behaving like wallflowers.  He then herds these coy Yows  into the Fold, where he selects his best Tut to really go "have a party".  Thus ensuring that his entire flock is happy.

24.  Because sheering is expensive, the Scots have come up with a genetic mutation to make many of their sheep "Self-Sheering".  No, they don't actually grab the clippers and take care of cutting their own hair - They rub up against the walls and their coats come off.  Weird.

25.  Sheep's tails are not docked in Scotland b/c there are no bugs or mites that make this practice necessary.

26.  If you are lucky enough to see wildlife - keep moving slowly.  It is the stopping that scares them and marks you as a danger.

27.  Fishermen in the area have developed their own method of casting while fly-fishing called "Spey Casting".  Because they cannot flip their cast backwards and forwards (think "A River Runs Through It") due to the heavy tree growth all the way up to the river's edge, they have modified their cast to sideways.  I would have liked to see this in action.

28. There are no bears, wolves or boars anymore in Scotland.  They have been eliminated un-necessarily b/c of silly people thinking they are a danger.  Eric had strong opinions on this and I have to agree with him.

29.  Now, for possibly my FAVORITE fact of the trip....The Hurry Cooos.  Huh??  What are these?  They are actually Hairy Highland Cows - but I like the phonetic pronunciation better - "hurry coos".  These things are ridiculously cute - I bought a book of postcards and sent some to a lucky few!!  Anyways - all the Hurry Coos used to be black.  They were a breed indigenous to Scotland and came from the Isle of Lewis in the Hebrides.  Queen Victoria was taking a tour of her realm and saw these cows.  Well, she did not like the fact that they were black - she thought they looked "sinister".  Well, a farmer heard of her "displeasure" and set about changing the color of the Hurry Coos, which he was successful in doing :(((( .  Now, the Hurry Coos are a brownish/toffee color...much like a Boxer (had to give my muffin a shout out -even though he is Brindle).  Today, only 10% of the Hurry Coos are actually their true color of black, the remaining 90% are a mix of gold, brown, dark brown, etc. - with 1% being Albino.  The Hurry Coos are apparently very good swimmers - they used to be swum (is that the right tense?!) from island to island by tying (jeez, I'm having some trouble with spelling/grammar) their tales to their nose rings.  A few got lost along the way, but they were considered the weak ones.  Because the Hurry Coos have such luscious horns - that grow in wonky ways - it is believed they were used to help make the Texas Longhorn.

30. We drove past Balmoral - the Queen's residence for the months of August and September each year and where the Royals gather to catch up after their busy summer months.  Balmoral was purchased by Prince Albert for Queen Victoria - remember how I said these two loved each other...A LOT?  Well, P.A. was originally going to purchase a different "house" in the Western part of the country, but upon visiting her proposed new house, the Queen met with some unwelcome visitors.....The Midgies.  These are kin to the mosquito and fly about in large droves, biting and stinging.  The Queen was displeased with these horrid creatures, so the sale of the "house" fell through.  Balmoral was settled upon, but when she saw it - she didn't like it, so P.A. tore down the original structure and re-built something a little more to her liking in 1843....and that is what you "see" today.

31. The story of Loch Lomond (also a song).  It refers to The High Road and The Low Road.  Quite poetic - I think it was during the Jacobite Rebellion (but I didn't put this in my notes...darn it!) - 2 Rebels were captured who happened to be brothers.  To have a little fun, the "guy" or captor decided to give them an option.  They had one night together to decide who would die among the two and who would be set free the next day.  Well, the Scots believe that immediately upon death, the soul goes underground and is immediately transported back to its place of birth - hence, The Low Road.  Apparently everyone yearns for their place of birth in Scotland, so taking The High Road just meant that the one brother who lived, would have to wait longer to reach his place of birth.  My mind did wander down the road of "What if you hated the place you were born?"  But enough of that - since I love the place of my birth, I can definitely say that if this choice were put to me and my brother - I would volunteer to go first.  And I'm not just saying that - if it put me at peace, re-united me with my mother and had me living eternally in the house on the hill....I'd take it in a New York minute.

32.  We drove past the largest hedge in the world (think large, tall bush)- the McClure Beech Hedge.  This beast has to be trimmed by hand - machines will damage the vascular system and cause it to "look ugly".

33. The Pride of Scotland - another cool story.  The Pride of Scotland is comprised of two things....The Jewels of Scotland and The Stone of Destiny (drama, much?!).  The Stone of Destiny is simply a rock that all the monarchs of Scotland were crowned upon until Mr. Meany-Pants himself, Edward I - also known as Edward the Longshanks (remember Braveheart) - decided to strike a blow to Scotland and take it.  He sent his men to the abbey it was housed at - Scone Palace/Abbey - this is pronounced "Skoon" - not Scone like the breakfast pastry.  

Here is where the "Legend" part comes in.  Edward only told his men to take "The Big Important Rock".  No real description existed of it other than "a dark, dense object not of this earth"....but this description wasn't found until just recently -which makes things even more mysterious.  The men took what they presumed to be "The Big Important Rock" and presented the King with it.  Well, some enterprising monks heard what the King was about to do - i.e. steal their very important rock - so legend has it that they went looking about for the biggest rock they could find to fool these soldiers who were on their way to steal "The Big Important Rock".  What did they find.....the cover for their "cess pit"- in other words....the cover for their toilet.  Now, every British monarch has also been crowned with this "Big Important Rock" underneath the ancient throne they take their oaths on....so you see, the Scots can laugh themselves silly, b/c in reality - every British monarch has actually been crowned on a toilet seat cover!!!

Another funny story about "The Big Important Rock" happened in 1950 when some students from Glasgow decided it was high time (centuries later) to get their "Big Important Rock" back.  They got into Westminster on Christmas and hid themselves until all was locked up tight.  They then snuck out - 3 guys and a girl - found the rock and proceeded to run off with it.  Unfortunately, "The Big Important Rock" was quite heavy, and the students managed to drop it within 5 minutes or so of stealing it - and subsequently, breaking it.  Regardless, they got the pieces out and fled.  Well, "The Big Important Rock" was discovered missing almost immediately the next morning which prompted the set-up of the largest roadblock in British history.  The students had decided to lay low for a bit before crossing the border back into Scotland.  They made it home safely, but then proceeded to get "in their cups" - i.e. Knackered...i.e. Drunk and started shooting off their mouths...i.e. Blabbing about their huge coup.  It wasn't long before the authorities found them and threw them in the slammer.  Good thing there were brilliant Scottish minds about who welcomed taking on this challenge.  They argued quite simply...."How can you steal your own property?"  Apparently, the gov't didn't REALLY buy this but they had to give credit where credit was due.  The students were let off but the stone returned to England.  However, don't think the story ends there......the Queen formally gifted it back to Scotland in 1998 where a huge procession took place up the road to The Castle, where "The Big Important Rock" was returned to the Scottish people......or was it??

As mentioned above, a description of "The Big Important Rock" has only recently been found.  Many scholars now think that the REAL Stone of Destiny is still hidden somewhere thanks to the wily monks.  Upon close examination of the current "Big Important Rock" - it is quite ordinary whereas the description of a "dark, dense object not of this earth" conjures up the image of an asteroid or something.  Who knows if the mystery will ever be solved....but, I like the version which says the English got what they deserved for stealing such a "Big Important Rock"....in other words....getting  crowned on a toilet cover!!!!

34.  "For These Are My Mountains" - our driver, Eric, sang this song (and 2 others) to us as we were descending out of The Grampians.  This may sound like quite the cheesy scene, but I assure you....it wasn't.  His voice was incredibly pure and moving.  I was enraptured listening to him and knowing that he truly feels this way about his home......here are the lyrics, but I highly encourage anyone reading this to go to YouTube and have a real listen....My favorite versions begin with the chorus...

For these are my mountains and this is my glen
The braes of my childhood will know me again
No land's ever claimed me tho' far I did roam
For these are my mountains and I'm going home
     (last) and I have come home

Full lyrics are:

For fame and for fortune I wandered the earth
And now I've come back to the land of my birth
I've brought back my treasures but only to find
They're less than the pleasures I first left behind

For these are my mountains and this is my glen
The braes of my childhood will know me again
No land's ever claimed me tho' far I did roam
For these are my mountains and I'm going home
     (last) and I have come home

The burn by the road sings at my going by
The whaup averhead wings with welcoming cry
The loch where the scart flies at last I can see
It's here that my heart lies it's here I'll be free

Kind faces will meet me and welcome me in
And how they will greet me my ain kith and kin
The night round the ingle old sangs will be sung
At last I'll be hearing my ain mother tongue.


The other 2 songs were called "Flower of Scotland" and "The Wanderlust".  Neither moved me as much as the one above.

35.  Alright...I am now going to de-bunk some of the movie, "Braveheart".  It hurts me a little to do this...and I put it towards the end of the posting on purpose (also b/c we were told all this as we rolled back into Edinburgh at the end of the trip)...I'll make this as painless as possible...

1.  William Wallace (W.W.) never rode on a horse.  He was an infantry soldier.
2. Mel Gibson is under 5'5 and W.W. was 6'8.  I cried out "No Way" from the back of the bus but was assured that he had to be, b/c his Double Handled Broadsword is in the Scottish possession and it measures a full 6 FEET!!  The damn sword is taller than Mel (and me, for that matter!!) 6 FEET..OMG!
3. W.W. would never have worn a kilt or a tartan - he was a Lowland Scot not a Highlander.
4. W.W. would never have worn blue paint on his face.
5. In the movie, The Battle of Stirling is actually The Battle of Stirling Bridge...they forgot the bridge in the movie...hahaha.
6. After Falkirk, W.W. went to Rome to beg the Pope to recognize Scotland as independent.  The Pope refused - this could have been good if it had made it into the movie
6.  W.W. was not - in fact - EVER - called "Braveheart".  This illustrious title actually belonged to Robert the Bruce - cool story here....

Robert the Bruce (actually Robert de Bris...he was Norman, not Scottish...but shhhhhhh) - kinda ruled Scotland for a while.  Because he CHOSE to do that - and was a Roman Catholic - he did not do his Christian duty at the time of fighting in the Crusades.  On his deathbed (of leprosy...like his father in the movie), RtB extracted a promise from one of his faithful followers, Sir James Douglas, that Sir James would take his heart once he was dead and go fight with it (not actually "with" it...that's what they had swords for) in a Crusade.  Sir James was faithful to this promise and took 25 men to the South of Spain to battle the Moors.  They got there and realized they were outnumbered 500 to 25 (not good odds, in my humble, non-military opinion) but decided to go up against them anyways.  Sir James - in a very poetic move - held up the heart of RtB, threw it at the Moors (hate to be the guy it hit....this heart was no longer fresh), and screamed - "Follow on, Brave Heart".  Clearly, these guys did not stand a chance - and were annihilated...but the Moors gave points for bravery and allowed 2 of the knights to live.  The also allowed them to retrieve the heart that had been tossed about and sent them back to Scotland.  Thankfully, the guys made it back and they put the heart at the Abbey at Melrose where it can be visited today.  I did not visit it.

But, it appears that Mel liked the name to call his movie. 

Conversely - Mr. Liam Neeson who is a tall 6'6 (although Irish, not Scottish) played Rob Roy...who was actually a "wee" man.  Our driver, Eric, wondered why the Scots had selected Mel to play W.W - to which I again shouted from the back of the bus - that it was kinda Mel's show.....he bought the script, produced it, directed it and - of course - decided to star in it.  The Scots didn't really have much of a choice, right?  Eric didn't totally hate on the movie- as he opined...it's been good for tourism...I'll bet!!!

36.  Upon arriving back in Edinburgh, we were driven down to the waterfront for a view of the 2 main bridges crossing the Forth (or Firth...I can't remember now) - one is old and red, the other is new and white.  The Red Bridge is "the greatest Victorian feat"....and needed to be b/c the guy who "built" it - Mr. Sir Thomas Botch - had built another bridge earlier that decided to collapse and fall into the River Tay.  He didn't want this to happen again, so he made his new bridge extra, extra strong.  Too bad for Mr. Sir Botch, though....because if you have ever heard the term "a botched job"...you now know where that came from.

37. FINALLY.....

We drove past the "Hawes" bar where Mr. Sir Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his stories and gives a shout out to the bar on the first page of "Kidnapped".


And that....Ladies and Gentlemen....concludes the Fun Facts and Funnies section of our Scottish Blog Postings.  I hope you have enjoyed the "show".  Please return later today for a recount of my lovely drive through the Loire Valley.....

It's back to Balcony Envy for me.....for now.  There is more wine to be had...